It’s probably a good thing that cell phones hadn’t been invented a little earlier, or the founding fathers might have taken a different view on free speech. It’s hard to stand up for the principle when you’ve just been subjected to the unwanted details of a stranger’s conversation. Am I exaggerating? Probably, but most of us are familiar with the sense of dread that comes with being stuck next to someone in a coffee shop, at the dry cleaners, or on an airplane, who just can’t seem to stop talking about that nasty rash they caught. A moment like that can make you nostalgic for totalitarian regimes where people just kept quiet.
I’m obviously having a bit of fun with this, but the fact of the matter is that we, as a society, are at a crossroads of sorts. We’ve reached a point where lots of people feel like they can say anything at any time. Whether they’re fueled by the audacious behavior they see on television, or just no longer care who knows about their innermost secrets, it seems that a large portion of the population can no longer be bothered about being discreet.
Part of this, of course, is the natural fluctuation of societal norms. You could make the case that our current ‘anything goes’ idea of sharing is the end result of a chain of events that started all the way back to colonial times. The pilgrims – generally not remembered for their brashness – kept things to themselves, but gradually gave way to successive generations that weren’t as reserved. Flash forward a couple hundred years and you get the roaring twenties, the swinging sixties, and then the new millennium. In other words, with each flip of the calendar, we’ve gotten a bit more relaxed. We’ve gone from three-piece suits to dress casual; from keep it quiet to tell-it-all.
Make no mistake, we’ve gained a lot along the way. For one thing, people have gotten better about discussing societal problems and differences in an open and honest way. It’s no longer taboo to have frank discussions about relationships or personal tastes, leading to unprecedented understanding between difference racial and social groups. It’s hard to argue that we’d be better off sweeping all of those issues under the rug. And yet, you have to wonder if we’ve gotten too much of a good thing. You know things have gotten a little out of whack when teenagers, never shy about sharing or hearing the inside scoop, started telling each other about TMI – too much information!
So how do we learn to strike a happy balance? Where does line between self-censorship, self-expression, and common sense lie? Here are a few tips to get you started:
Be respectful. This used to be the golden rule, but it’s gotten a little tarnished lately and it’s not hard to figure out why. Our culture is filled with talking heads – the kind of people who, usually on television, share their opinions so loudly and crudely that they can’t help but be heard. In an effort to draw viewers and followers, they punctuate every point with a joke or quip, often at the expense of some other well-known personality that they happen to disagree with.
This would be fine if their fans would have a laugh and change the channel. More often than not, though, they do the opposite. Instead of keeping their views to themselves, they plaster their vehicles with bumper stickers and lecture anyone who will listen about the obvious merits of their point of view.
Obviously, there’s a lot of room for give and take in a democratic society, and we should always embrace that. But there’s a not-so-fine line between esteemed political, economic, or religious debate and being an overbearing blowhard. Face it: lots of people are never going to agree with you, and trying to persuade them to is a waste of time and energy, not to mention an irritant to other people. Arguing the point endlessly isn’t going to help, and putting down their point of view is just plain rude. So if you feel the urge to talk about the reasons that your cause is the best one, do it – in a club meeting or online chat room, not in a place where people are trying to work or relax.
Think PG. Too many people go to work — or worse, public spaces — sounding like they’ve just walked out of a raunchy comedy club. What they don’t realize is that blue humor and harsh language can be a huge annoyance to other people, especially if there are children around. Worse yet, they could be sabotaging their own careers. Just because your boss doesn’t say anything about your potty mouth, that doesn’t mean that they don’t notice, or approve of that language.
Use your inside voice. You’d think that most people who have successfully completed grade school would’ve picked up a few lessons on talking quietly, but a quick trip to the supermarket or shopping mall will prove that this is not the case. Maybe it’s a bad habit left over from the days when audio quality on mobile phones wasn’t that great, but lots of men and women talk much louder than they need to when they’re on the phone. Yelling into your receiver probably isn’t going to do much for the person on the other end, but it is a surefire way to annoy everyone around you.
Also keep in mind that this doesn’t just apply to phone conversations. The chances are very good that the diners at the next table aren’t as interested in what you’re saying as your friends or coworkers are. Give them a break and keep the volume at a reasonable level.
Keep private conversations private. Just because you’re not bothered about other people knowing private details of your life, that doesn’t mean they’re not bothered about hearing them. Before you launch into that lengthy discussion about your medical problem, financial worry, or relationship fiasco, ask yourself whether it wouldn’t be better to wait until you are somewhere more private.
Besides, beyond common decency and etiquette, there are some very good reasons for keeping private details to yourself. Have you ever wondered why letters from banks, hospitals, and lawyers are usually marked ‘confidential?’ There are any number of thieves and trouble makers who would just love for you to broadcast the kind of information they need to rip you off – or worse. Don’t make yourself an easy target by blabbing information that doesn’t belong out in the open.
Remember that words can walk. Fascinating studies have been done that show most people rarely travel more than a few miles from their work and home in a given day. Put another way, they tend to move to-and-from, hitting the same gas stations, restaurants, and other areas along the path.
So why do I mention this? To remind you that your world is probably a lot smaller than you think it is. A striking number of people will share personal details about themselves in a loud conversation between friends, over the phone, or even talking to a stranger. They do so, presumably, thinking that it will never get back to anyone – especially someone they might be gossiping about.
The reality, though, is that people know people. And if those people you’re talking to are part of the same organization or community as you are, then it probably won’t take six degrees of separation to reach a person you hoped it wouldn’t. Be very careful about discussing a supervisor, coworker, or friend somewhere that you shouldn’t. It’s only a matter of time before they hear all the details, or at least the ones you wanted to keep quiet.
Remember that context is everything. Would you use the same language at a nightclub as you would a church? Would you speak the same way to your best friend at a dinner party as you would a five year old in school? Of course not. Keep that in mind as you enter into conversations in your office and out in the world.
One of the great things about the new millennium is that we’re freer than ever to just relax and be who we want to be without the hundreds of rules and conventions that earlier societies wrestled with. But that doesn’t mean that we should treat this opening as a blank check to inflict our personal thoughts and conversations onto everyone else around us. Remember to use some common sense, and just a little bit of self-censorship, when you’re talking with others. You’ll find that people will like and respect you a whole lot more, and who knows, they might just pick up on your example.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Donna Hickey is an executive trainer and business strategist specializing in real estate and organizational direction. Over the past three decades, she has conducted keynotes and workshops for Fortune 500 clients in North America and around the world. As an active member of a number of professional organizations, she blends humor with insight to cut to the heart of today’s strategic challenges.
You can learn more about Donna, including information about her keynotes and workshops, at www.donnahickey.com, or by calling her at 708-807-9260.
